IF IT WASN'T HARD ENOUGH

As I write this my thoughts start to envision a future of art and how I could be part of it. The skill sets that I've acquired almost seem useless while the upcoming generation learns the ins and outs to make it into the industry. And I begin to trail down and notice more and more of these individuals making it into these industries. They're happy and stressed out, but they make the front page or become a trend in the web. They work hard and wear their luck around their ankles and knees. They've almost dismantled every limb of their body to get there.

And here I am.... sort of waiting.

Earlier this week I was emotional. I juggled the idea of whether doing all this was worth it. I'm broke all the time, but I manage to scrounge up $11 just buy 200 asa film that lasts for a week. I don't desire to shoot digital pictures as it loses the integrity of how I feel about photography. I wake up at 3:30 in the morning to edit for an hour and a half and proceed to get ready to work for people that don't know what they're doing. The scary thing is I feel as if this job is my last stop.

Can it be worth it? Can it be something that I could stick around for years on end? How does one realize the craft that they create would only matter by the creator who made it? I think about how transparent I am to the world and the worth I bring to the planet. Am I making a difference? Has anyone seen what I've done and feel the way I feel? As structured as I am now I continue to make a mess.

It's awful to compare myself to the likes of those who are out there doing what it takes to succeed. Problem is I feel like I'm not doing that and all of what I've worked on has been completely useless.

I know it may seem odd for me to vent out these kinds of things, but if it wasn't hard enough from the start I wonder what it'll be like in the next few years. I guess we'll have to see.