For a couple of days I've felt this annoyance of the "Christmas Spirit". In fact, I've felt this way for quite some time now. Getting older has sort of served this cynical outlook on how Christmas really is these days. Black Friday kicks off after Thanksgiving and already everyone that gave thanks to whatever they were thankful for disappears when they want to get a TV for $399 fighting for a "lifetime" deal that may not even matter months later. I wonder if companies do this shit just so they can have a laugh. It is sad. Very sad.
I also realize the stress people have in the holidays. I mean you would think that this time of the year would be filled with joy, but I see more fights in this time of the year than any other year. Most of these fights actually come around in the Mall and I have witnessed people at their worst there. It's almost hilarious to see this to tell you the truth. They want things to be perfect and when things are not going their way they just explode. Kinda love it to tell you the truth.
The people that work behind the counter probably get the worst treatment as these individuals get yelled at for no reason. One mistake and they will get blasted. It could be of the littlest things. They work for shitty dimes with crap sandwiches. And they get crapped on some more. No appreciation from the people buying from them and the companies that employ these poor human beings.
I for one have gotten sick of the holidays. I don't think it's the most wonderful time of the year. In fact, I think it's the shittiest time of the year. The excuses of people being nice for a couple of days in one month and revert back to being a complete asshole the next eleven is just baffling. I get stressed out trying to find out what my wife wants for Christmas. Bills pile up. We're broke the next three months. I don't see good paychecks. The snow fucking sucks. Stress stress & stress.
The spirit of Christmas has been dead for years. It hasn't been the same since I've aged. And I think that it'll get worse and worse as I get older. I don't really believe in the spirit anymore and it's because of what I've experienced that has defined that for me.
So yeah.... fuck Christmas.
Last year I was adamant about relationships between two different photos. I used to blog about it Monday, Wednesday & Friday as an exercise to see what kind of commonality I can create between two photographs. It was inspired by William Mebane who still continues to create this commonality of the images he creates. But this year it's been just Polaroids and small updates here and there. I've been busy and it's been great.
But recently my interest in finding common relationships in pictures have caught my interest once again by Kate Sweeney who is a current Columbus, Ohio resident who shoots mostly portraits. Her attention to detail in color is fascinating not to mention the subject matter she seems to analyze. I've seen some of her recent diptychs as of late and it really helped me regain that interest once again.
So, since purchasing a digital camera once again I've been playing around the idea of using this method for next year along with another method of shooting. I love just posting work and seeing its age when I scroll through the images months or years later of posting.
For these set of photographs, though, I want to actually Photoshop them... meaning removing certain things in the photo like dirt, maybe some highlights, and whatever feels as though the photo doesn't look aesthetically pleasing. Most of my images (especially film) only heal the dust and scratches and it will most likely stay that way. Previous digital images never needed that kind of care. But for the images I'm shooting these days I think I want to play with the idea of using some of these tools in a fine art approach.
I know from previous experiences that I was sort of instrumental about shooting digital photographs. But since I've purchased a digital camera that I actually like the landscape of photography has since changed. I have more ideas for projects which can help me out later on. I'm having fun with photography again and that's the way it should be.
I also realized that I want to be a bit relevant in the photo world and not be so isolated all the time. Shooting film, in my experience so far, has sort of secluded me. I should be a bit more accepting in some of these circumstances and that will hopefully allow me to be accepted in different areas of the photo world.
Next year should be a blast. I know my negativity can sometimes slow me down, but at this point I think I got a better outlook as to how I want process photographs once again.
I've struggled a lot making friendships, keeping relationships or even bonding with my own family. I guess it's in my nature to disappear and let them forget who I am and what I've around them. And because of this I think that my relationship to most things scares me. I could even say that my marriage scares the shit out of me. In what way? I'm not sure.....
I'm scared of letting people know me. I think that I hide a lot because letting them know me would be to revealing. And I'm scared that they would know too much that they could use it against me.