LEFT IN THE DARK #52 - LAST PORTRAIT OF 2018
This year has been so unproductive photographically. I think this has to be one of my worst years in photography. However, I feel that this certainly a wake up call as to how burnt out I was. Next year should be a bit different. Though I've still stayed somewhat consistent to in posting I think that next year will definitely launch a new motivation for me to take pictures. Let's just hope that stays that way.
LAST WORDS FOR THE END OF THE YEAR
Friday, December 28, 2018
The other day a person had Instagram’d a story about slacking on writing an “End of the Year” post. It hit me reading it and suddenly had me thinking about writing a reflection for 2018. I think 2018 was one of my toughest, but best years I’ve experienced. It was certainly a time of adjustment and a time to seek out new ideas. It was a time to recognize how my mental health is very important and physical health is something I need to keep up. I’m not getting any younger, but I feel way younger being thirty-three than I did twenty-four. And knowing that my current surroundings validate a lot of what I went through I’ve suddenly realized what I’ve missed this whole time…. It was my identity.
First off let’s see what I’ve accomplished this year.
1. Roughly finished a full length album that was written and produced by me and photographed images to align with what I saw and felt through each month of the year.
2. Gym. I’ve been going to the Gym almost five days out of the week. I’ve been trying to go harder most days (though recently it’s been stagnant due to motivation) and have seen results not only in my health, but in my mood as well.
3. Got a new car. I actually got a new car. It’s a Honda Fit 2009. And I’m making payments on it as we speak :(
4. Saved money. I actually have money in the savings this year. I wish I had saved more, but some things required financial attention. I cannot stress enough how important it is to keep a savings account healthy.
5. Went on more adventures this year. This year I documented a lot of big and small travels on my YouTube page. I ate a lot of different food and just learned what I have missed.
6. Podcast. I finally made a podcast. It’s been something I’ve wanted to do for years, but never got around to it until this year. It’s still a work in progress like most things, but I got a chance to speak to some folks that were pretty inspirational. I hope to have more of these in the near future.
What about things I need to still do and wish I did.
1. Organize my film photographs. Gawdamn I have so much of this shit that hasn’t been scanned (or even put into sleeves).
2. Shoot more film and develop more film. Just recently I went into my external hard drives and found that there hasn’t been much I’ve edited nor scanned. I may have been burnt out these last few years, but I think that itch may be coming back.
3. Finish projects that I have started a while ago. I have a street photo project and some other shit that needs to be finished and have been struggling to get them done. I haven’t made time to edit anything nor even figure out how I’m going to approach the end of this work.
Not sure if there are more things I wish I did this year that wasn’t fulfilled, but I know I’ve done a lot and will continue to do more. Though, there is one thing I’m glad I’ve done this year:
As mentioned earlier in the post I’ve lost quite a bit of my identity from my previous relationship. I cannot go into specifics as to why that is, but I can tell you that a lot of my depression did grow from it. Things happen and fortunately I was able to gain the courage to leave before it got worse. I can safely say that the relationship I’m in now has me more aware of my vulnerability and worth than I ever had in years. Slowly I’m gaining back some of the friends I had to leave due to that relationship. I’ve only gained maybe 20% of those folks back into my life. I’d understand if they don’t talk to me ever again.
Fortunately, this year showed me how much I love my current relationship. Yes, we have our ups and downs, but more so I’ve noticed how aligned we are mentally. Communication is a lot more solid (though I still have some kinks to work out in that department) and I’m being educated on spending my money wisely and doing things constantly to keep our relationship active as much as possible. I don’t stay at home much, but when I do it’s usually when I need to rest, play video games with my girl or to do something artistic.
I didn’t know how depressed I was until earlier this year when my low’s were very low and my highs were still kind of low. Fighting depression is certainly a struggle and trying to fight it alone was really stupid. There’s no excuse for me to not see a therapist, however, using art and exercise has helped significantly. I’m always looking to do something creative and stay healthy as much as I can. It’s been my theme and though I haven’t sought professional help I’ve done my best to do something positive for myself so that I can provide that same energy to my loved ones and strangers.
Throughout the year I’ve done my best to delete some people off my Facebook. I’ve certainly felt better not including most of these folks online and it just makes sense to leave those people behind. I don’t need all these folks knowing what I’m doing all the time. Facebook is certainly a garbage platform now and I’m waiting for the day I can’t completely remove it.
So this is it. My written 2018 perspective. Let’s just hope that 2019 is a bit better. I just hope that things will get better. I’m happy, but I do want some change to happen. Good change.
See you in 2019
Read more...
LEFT IN THE DARK #51 - CHANGE OF WEATHER
The snow actually fell this morning. Weird. We're going to have another white Xmas
LEFT IN THE DARK #50 - KEITH
Monday, December 17, 2018
It was slightly strange seeing Keith come back to Connecticut. Things have changed so much since he left to the West Coast. Given the time he was here, however, I had the chance to meet up with him for some coffee/tea and a slice. We don't get to talk much nor see each other at all, but I've always known him to be someone who continues to keep pushing forward alone. He's really done a lot over the years. I just think it's a matter of time till he gets where he needs to go. Let's just hope he can keep sane through the struggle.
LEFT IN THE DARK #49 - SELF PORTRAIT
I'm really am seeing the boredom of this project. It hasn't done much for me. I think I need to settle down to one thing at a time for next year. Gawd... I can't regret this though. It was fun while it lasted. Can't wait for the last few weeks.
QUIET DREAMS - NOVEMBER
Dear November,
It's clear that your sun wants to sleep early. I sometimes don't understand the shifts in weather conditions, but I understand that it may be needed to help people cope and reflect. It allows us to slow down and keep a humble pace. I've done a lot of reflecting and have understood how much this month meant to me. Ever since you've come around I've realized that being present in this present time is important. Thank you for your time here. I'll see you around when I need you again.
LEFT IN THE DARK #48 - FAKE BERRIES
I keep forgetting the light this time of the year is incredible. I don't take full advantage of it these day, but I think that may change as the last few weeks of this year come winding down. It's hard sometimes figuring out what to do as an artist, but when the opportunities come I do my best to take advantage of it. I miss Cali for that.
LEFT IN THE DARK #47 - THE CLIMB
I'm not sure what it is about my photography that's been lacking. Maybe that motivation to document hasn't been around lately. I do, however, still shoot images, but it isn't as intense as I would like it to be. The thing is that pictures shouldn't be forced. Sometimes these pocket pictures are what help create an interesting body of work that you wouldn't think about. Alas, I'm still gonna do my best to take images.
But this image was done by a phone. I'm starting to see why people photograph using their phones. This may be a thing I should consider just because the images seem to have good enough depth. I would like to think this would be a good exercise for next year. But I guess it depends on how I feel though. We'll just have to see.
SABATICAL
Monday, November 19, 2018
Gonna take a break this week on posting. Didn't really record nor take any pictures this time around. Been doing lots of adjusting and I can't really keep posting shitty stuff. I really need to control the quality of the stuff that I post. It's getting ridiculous.
Read more...BUENO POWER HOUR PODCAST #15 - LAUREN ENGEL
Friday, November 16, 2018
This was a fun interview to do. Lauren is pretty ambitious and very young to be doing multiple things like this. It's pretty awesome and I have to give her props on that.
LEFT IN THE DARK #46 - NEVER DONE
My roommates haven't been able to clean up as of late. The late shifts they've been doing has prevented them to clean as much. I try to clean up a bit because I want to help them come home to a nice clean place. I think anyone deserves a nice clean place
LEFT IN THE DARK #45 - IN THE STREETS
I got a couple of snaps in this weekend and it was sort of refreshing just shooting out around people. It's pretty fun and I miss it a bunch. Hopefully I get to do more of these later.
QUIET DREAMS - OCTOBER
Dear October,
It gets harder and harder to take pictures. Nothing seems as interesting as I would like it to be. I’m just so burnt out on everything. Maybe I’m over it. Maybe I just need some
LEFT IN THE DARK #44 - NIGHT DRIVES
Monday, October 29, 2018
To tell you the truth I couldn't drive at night with my old truck. So many things wrong with it that prevented me to drive at night. The tires in the front were balding, the front light at the right was out as well as the back light, the brakes were already worn down and starting the truck sounded like it had asthma. It was a mess and I was deeply saddened about this experience, but it's something that I had to deal with for months.
With this new car I'm able to go anywhere worry free. Doesn't mean I'm going to drive like an asshat, but it does mean the freedom to drive anywhere without any police noticing me. Sometimes you have to have a new car. It's just the way it is.
LEFT IN THE DARK #43 - SHOES
Looking back at some old work again and figuring out different crops on images. This is a typical one with photographing these shoes, but these are a pair of shoes I bought with money I actually had. It's one of my first purchases in new footwear. Strange what happens in a year.
LEFT IN THE DARK #42 - CUPS
Being honest about this, but I've definitely been drifting away from digital again. Something about it just doesn't suit me as a photographer well even though most of my education was built from it. I find it strange that the pictures I produce in camera and in post doesn't reflect the way I see things. This turns to shitty pictures with no thoughts (or at least no effort). Don't get me wrong. Purchasing the x100t was definitely a big thing for me and I realize that I haven't used it to its full potential. There are plenty of things I could use it for, but just don't seem to feel like it's going anywhere.
So yes, I haven't been photographing with this camera as much as I should, but the reasons really are that I'm just not motivated to shoot with it. I'm definitely glad that I have this camera than a big ass DSLR that I'll probably only use once or twice. It just doesn't seem to go well with what I do as a photographer.
LEFT IN THE DARK #41 - GETTING COLDER
The weather changes are starting to come in (if they haven't already). I've seen some reports of snow in other areas of the East Coast. Not looking good, but the fact that I now have a new car is something that I've happy about. Given the situation of these times I've realized how dumb I was for staying married to a truck that was going to end up dying anyway. Alas, I feel better than I'm not going to have trouble for a long time. Just as long as I keep my car and myself healthy that is.
QUIET DREAMS - SEPTEMBER
Dear September,
I'm thankful you came around and calmed me a bit. Its still strange to say I'm 33 knowing I haven't the slightest idea of how I'm going to survive when I turn 40. But I have to be patient and persistent. Sometimes you gave me sunburn and sometimes you gave me wet feet. Humid mornings when I couldn't decide on hot or cold coffee and chilly afternoons when I regretted not bringing a sweater. I've been quiet lately. Not just because I'm calm more these days, but because these memories have begun to roll in my mind. I'm feeling that my past is starting to disappear and these present and future happenings are becoming a thing I think about daily. Of course being able to reflect as a reminder of being humble has not dissolved, but it certainly isn't going to cripple what I'm trying to achieve. Maybe I'm afraid to let these memories go.
But I thank you for being here for me. You're not the type I look forward to seeing to be honest, but you were here and you were welcoming.
LEFT IN THE DARK #40 - GETTING OLDER
Monday, October 1, 2018
Just a few days ago I turned 33. It's weird to think that in all these years I'm still alive today. I've made some bad choices and made some good ones. It lead me to be here and it lead me to understand how critical choices are to your health. My life is definitely different amongst many of the people that surround me and the many that used to know me. Being in a new relationship that stems a more realistic approach in life really gave me the understanding of how much I've missed over the years. I may be late to many parties, but I think now I've just begun living life in the way I should.
I'm doing okay these days. Sometimes I get overly depressed and sometimes I think things are just getting worse. And you know what? I might be right on the "worse" part, but it doesn't stop me from being able to live life as best as I can. I just hope things are gonna be okay from here on out.
LEFT IN THE DARK #39 - LATE NIGHT TEA
Again, looking at the archives I've been finding photographs that I have overlooked. It's been nice seeing work that I haven't seen in a minute, but it's also dumb the fact that I haven't even done much photographing with my digi for a bit. I've kinda lost some inspiration. Though I'm trying to figure out what to photograph these days. It's been awkward to tell you the truth.
BUENO POWER HOUR PODCAST EPISODE #11 - NICA AQUINO
Friday, September 21, 2018
This was a fun interview to do. I hope that you enjoy this episode because the things that Nica talk about really hit close to home. I love it man. It was freakin' awesome.
LEFT IN THE DARK #38 - NIGHT RIDES
Awhile back me and Jen were at Cape Cod hangin' out and I forgot I took this picture while on the bus. This little camera can do wonders if you let it for sure.
LEFT IN THE DARK #37 - DINNER FEELS
I've had this image floating in my computer for a bit and didn't really think to much of it until I had edited it. I love simple compositions in pictures and when they're edited properly they deem to interesting results. I hope to get more of these images in the future.
BUENO POWER HOUR PODCAST EPISODE #10 - JACK SHIRLEY
Friday, September 7, 2018
I was honored the opportunity to interview Jack Shirley and let me say... I was kinda starstruck lol. However, we tap on a couple of things such as his upbringing as a musician, Comadre, Atomic Garden Studios relocation and more. Hope you guys like this interview. I sure as hell did.
QUIET DREAMS - AUGUST
Dear August,
I wanted to say thank you for making me realize that I'm living my best life. Sure, I'm not all together financially and don't have a place of my own, but in these times I realize that good things come with time and when you're vulnerable. I'm not sure if I deserve any of this, but I do know that I will make the best of it and show my appreciation the best I can. It felt like Summer for once. It felt like I was not alone. It felt like I'm living my life again. I can't thank you enough.
LEFT IN THE DARK #36 - GIRLFRIEND NOTICE
Tuesday, September 4, 2018
I'm sure that if you a post a picture like this you're gonna get some weirdos around. However, these days having some substance in a relationship is hard enough. Sorry my dude. Hope you find what you're looking for.
ALREADY MAKING PLANS
Friday, August 24, 2018
Concept art has appealed to me ever since I set foot in art school. Being taught the idea of concept and knowing how it can affect the work itself was a definite game changer on how I saw my own work. Some concepts immediately go to the trash, some can start and finish, and some can stay alive for years. I'm one of those people that starts a concept and finishes it so that new ones can be worked on. I can't help, but be jealous to those people who can create a concept and do additional twists to it for years and years. I think that's how I feel about Nahre.
So far I've been casually watching her videos being amazed on how well she brings music, graphic illustration, motion sequence and concept all in one. She's pretty prolific on how she composes pieces and how she composes video. This is a big advantage for her and her concept as an artist. No one is doing something like this right now I really down for it.
Next year I'm thinking of doing a 365 project again. This time posting up one picture a day. This may come in as black and white, color or both. I'm also playing the idea of posting all these images on Instagram and this blog. I feel like that's the way to go about this whole thing. Editing the pictures may be done using my phone. I think that it's a good challenge to try and make edits using your phone since it's the one thing I have in my possession and that can be used as an editor. Vlogging will also be adjusted. I might do a monthly Vlog and make longer, more constructive videos. Like, have a monthly concept on what I've experienced. I may even do music for the video if I can get them done in time.
Everything is starting to make sense again and I'm starting to understand how much creativity I still have. I think that being excited in art is something that people need to have in order to keep doing what they're doing. It's hard for people to last this long in art, but I guess the reason why I'm still doing it is the fact that I don't know anything else. Many people won't understand it, but I sure as hell don't care. Read more...
LEFT IN THE DARK #34 - A PORTRAIT OF ME
photo by Jennifer Hoang
I give credit where credit is due. The fact that Jen had taken this pic of me in this moment I couldn't help, but post. I can definitely see how much I've aged and how much my face has changed. I've been through a lot in my life and I hope to use those experiences to help others when they're feeling down. Thank you girlfriend for taking this picture of me.
BUENO POWER VLOG #71 - WE HITTIN' VEGAS MY DUDES
Monday, August 13, 2018
Enjoy this long video folks!. Vegas was definitely fun and I want to roll back there again soon!
LEFT IN THE DARK #33 - A NIGHT OUT IN A PLACE THAT DOESN'T SLEEP
It's been awhile seeing Oliver. What better way to see this dude than to be in Vegas on vacation. We looked snazzy most nights and we did it so well guys. I loved it and miss it already.
QUIET DREAMS - JULY
Friday, August 10, 2018
Dear July,
You're usually hotter this time of year, but you've been easy on me. Some mornings are wet. Other days dry. But you've been okay to me. You've been okay because you made it okay. My skin still peels from this humidity and this scalp still itchy. I'm beginning to think my skin condition is getting worse and it worries me each day. I'm neurotic about what I eat, but some days I give in to things that make me sick. Still, you've been okay and I've been okay and everything has been okay and I still haven't found a job back home and I haven't found time to clean my room and haven't found time to be with you. I'm sorry, but you've been good to me. I'll see you next year.
LEFT IN THE DARK #32 - NICE WALKS
I take lots of pictures of trees. It's one of those things I'm attracted to especially when they're taken on black and white. I always feel comfortable being around such areas. It gives me some time to breathe and think about things I've been working on.
LEFT IN THE DARK #31 - SUMMER BLOOMS
It's nice to know that this summer has been nothing, but busy. I finally realized how much I missed it. Even though I work an 8 hour job I still find myself living a good summer hanging out with my girlfriend and being around friends. These are times I never want to forget. It's definitely the best one I've had so far.
LEFT IN THE DARK #30 - LATE NIGHT DISCOS
It's been awhile since I've stayed up to dance and hang. Cape Cod really has some nice places to hang out and drink (even though I don't drink). I hope to come back to the Cape to do more hangs and stuff.
BUENO POWER HOUR PODCAST EPISODE #7 - LOCAL SCENE INFLUENCES #1 | PEEL APPARITION
Friday, July 20, 2018
This was pretty fun to talk about. I'll be doing more of these in the coming weeks if I don't get more people to interview. It's been rough finding some lately actually, but that's what happens when people are busy. Oh well. Imma do my best, but this was definitely fun to do.
LEFT IN THE DARK #29 - SUMMER RAINS
I never understood the summer rain until I moved to Connecticut. It's pretty fascinating, but also disgusting just for the fact that after the showers you may deal with more muggy heat. We were returning from Jen's alma mater when the rain started to hit and the slight shadow the rain casted on my leg was kinda interesting to me. It was fun to experience it and I hope that I see more rain actually lol.
LEFT IN THE DARK #28 - MORNING COLD SHOTS
We were at our favorite spot in NY called Ruby's Cafe and had some breakfast and coffee there. There's something about these moments that I find intimate and am very much aware of that I happen to photograph most of the time. I love it and I love drinking coffee. Hope to come back here soon.
BUENO POWER HOUR PODCAST EPISODE #6 - ARTHUR ROBINSON
Friday, July 6, 2018
I think I'll be doing a podcast every two weeks. It fits my schedule better than doing it weekly. It also gives me time to sort of gather more potential subjects for it. Give this one a listen guys. I'll keep you posted on the next one.
QUIET DREAMS - JUNE
Dear June,
I'm fortunate enough to spend time with you. Your scorching heat rays embeds my skin along with your warm rains cleaning my thoughts. It was the best time and first time I've enjoyed being with you. Even when I had my depressive breakdowns you reminded me how vulnerable I am and that it's good to feel that way. From the years I've seen you spend time with others I made it a point that this year you were all mine. I will never forget you. I hope you'll never forget me too. I already miss you.
BUENO POWER VLOG #65 - PROGRESS REPORT #8
Monday, July 2, 2018
Just a video of my progress so far and what I've been feeling as of late. This summer is fucking awesome so far and I hope to have more of these in the near future.
LEFT IN THE DARK #27 - TIGERS JAW
This was the first time I got to see Tigers Jaw play. I was so amazed at how on point they were at this show. The melodies, the signals, the transitions, gosh you name it. Everything was so clean. And I was glad that I got to see them play at such an intimate place. I hope to see them again soon.
BUENO POWER VLOG #64 - HAPPIEST OF BDAYS
Monday, June 25, 2018
Fun times all the time. I can't wait for more. This summer is off to a good start
LEFT IN THE DARK #26 - SUMMERS HERE WITH NEW CLOUDS TO STARE
The summer has been so good so far and I'm so happy that I'm with the people that I'm with and I'm so happy that I'm not extremely depressed and I'm so happy that I don't need to feel sorry for myself for things I shouldn't feel sorry for.
LEFT IN THE DARK #25 - ANOTHER PORTRAIT OF JEN
It's been interesting taking pictures of her more often than I have in the past. There are so many reasons why I'm so attracted by this person. Knowing that I'm in equal level with somebody is refreshing and I can't even begin to feel like we are definitely in this together rather than being alone most of the time.
BUENO POWER VLOG #62 - ALWAYS AWAKE NEVER SLEEP
Monday, June 11, 2018
I think this summer is gonna be my best. It seems like my spirit has been lifting up lately and I feel like there's so much I'm going to be doing. It's what I've been waiting for as previous years I was stuck at a house with this sense of loneliness. I can't wait to be with my girl and my friends again.
LEFT IN THE DARK #24 - WHEN IT WAS COLD
I'm reminded by these three as they have helped me through my tough times. Thank you guys for your support. My life is better because of you three.
MENTAL HEALTH IS IMPORTANT
Friday, June 8, 2018
Mental health is probably one of the most critical things a person needs to maintain. From someone who still continues to struggle with depression these reports hits close to home. Friends and family have taken their own lives because of this. Medicine and counseling is out there, but we (even myself) don't take the time to evaluate that. Life is too busy to be sad and sadness is a weakness. We must flex our muscles to hide what we fight inside.
Images are subjected to the copyright owner
With Kate Spade and Anthony Bordain committing suicide this week it's obvious that people who have the luxury to get help and live the best lives can still succumb to their demons. It's shocking that these two are the ones who decided to give up. Suicide is real and mental illness is real and everything about this needs more attention. But who am I kidding? Why would you want to take care of your mental health?
Rest in Peace Kate and Anthony. I hope this wakes people up. Read more...
BUENO POWER VLOG #61 - A SMALL REVIEW OF MURA MAKE
Monday, June 4, 2018
This was fun to do and I hope that I get to more of these things in the near future. Enjoy the vid!
LEFT IN THE DARK #23 - COLD COFFEE AND AWAKE
We could have many drinks together and I'd be fine with that. It's been great being around you and I hope I can be around you for a long time.
QUIET DREAMS - MAY
Friday, June 1, 2018
Dear May,
Uninspired and so tired and feeling frustrated and being broke and not getting what I need and realizing that things will get tougher and just feeling straight up shitty is not how I wanted to start and finish with you. C'mon... throw me a fucking bone. Now I'm struggling and can't get my head straight. Thanks you fucking asshole.
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