XBUENOXPOWERX: December 2018

The other day a person had Instagram’d a story about slacking on writing an “End of the Year” post. It hit me reading it and suddenly had me thinking about writing a reflection for 2018. I think 2018 was one of my toughest, but best years I’ve experienced. It was certainly a time of adjustment and a time to seek out new ideas. It was a time to recognize how my mental health is very important and physical health is something I need to keep up. I’m not getting any younger, but I feel way younger being thirty-three than I did twenty-four. And knowing that my current surroundings validate a lot of what I went through I’ve suddenly realized what I’ve missed this whole time…. It was my identity.

First off let’s see what I’ve accomplished this year.

1. Roughly finished a full length album that was written and produced by me and photographed images to align with what I saw and felt through each month of the year.

2. Gym. I’ve been going to the Gym almost five days out of the week. I’ve been trying to go harder most days (though recently it’s been stagnant due to motivation) and have seen results not only in my health, but in my mood as well.

3. Got a new car. I actually got a new car. It’s a Honda Fit 2009. And I’m making payments on it as we speak :(

4. Saved money. I actually have money in the savings this year. I wish I had saved more, but some things required financial attention. I cannot stress enough how important it is to keep a savings account healthy.

5. Went on more adventures this year. This year I documented a lot of big and small travels on my YouTube page. I ate a lot of different food and just learned what I have missed.

6. Podcast. I finally made a podcast. It’s been something I’ve wanted to do for years, but never got around to it until this year. It’s still a work in progress like most things, but I got a chance to speak to some folks that were pretty inspirational. I hope to have more of these in the near future.

What about things I need to still do and wish I did.

1. Organize my film photographs. Gawdamn I have so much of this shit that hasn’t been scanned (or even put into sleeves).

2. Shoot more film and develop more film. Just recently I went into my external hard drives and found that there hasn’t been much I’ve edited nor scanned. I may have been burnt out these last few years, but I think that itch may be coming back.

3. Finish projects that I have started a while ago. I have a street photo project and some other shit that needs to be finished and have been struggling to get them done. I haven’t made time to edit anything nor even figure out how I’m going to approach the end of this work.

Not sure if there are more things I wish I did this year that wasn’t fulfilled, but I know I’ve done a lot and will continue to do more. Though, there is one thing I’m glad I’ve done this year:

Create a better relationship with myself and my loved ones

As mentioned earlier in the post I’ve lost quite a bit of my identity from my previous relationship. I cannot go into specifics as to why that is, but I can tell you that a lot of my depression did grow from it. Things happen and fortunately I was able to gain the courage to leave before it got worse. I can safely say that the relationship I’m in now has me more aware of my vulnerability and worth than I ever had in years. Slowly I’m gaining back some of the friends I had to leave due to that relationship. I’ve only gained maybe 20% of those folks back into my life. I’d understand if they don’t talk to me ever again.

Fortunately, this year showed me how much I love my current relationship. Yes, we have our ups and downs, but more so I’ve noticed how aligned we are mentally. Communication is a lot more solid (though I still have some kinks to work out in that department) and I’m being educated on spending my money wisely and doing things constantly to keep our relationship active as much as possible. I don’t stay at home much, but when I do it’s usually when I need to rest, play video games with my girl or to do something artistic.

I didn’t know how depressed I was until earlier this year when my low’s were very low and my highs were still kind of low. Fighting depression is certainly a struggle and trying to fight it alone was really stupid. There’s no excuse for me to not see a therapist, however, using art and exercise has helped significantly. I’m always looking to do something creative and stay healthy as much as I can. It’s been my theme and though I haven’t sought professional help I’ve done my best to do something positive for myself so that I can provide that same energy to my loved ones and strangers.

Throughout the year I’ve done my best to delete some people off my Facebook. I’ve certainly felt better not including most of these folks online and it just makes sense to leave those people behind. I don’t need all these folks knowing what I’m doing all the time. Facebook is certainly a garbage platform now and I’m waiting for the day I can’t completely remove it.

So this is it. My written 2018 perspective. Let’s just hope that 2019 is a bit better. I just hope that things will get better. I’m happy, but I do want some change to happen. Good change.

See you in 2019