Fatigue

Or better yet aka "the act of 'I feel like crying and I don't know why'" phase that I seem to be diving in every September. Of course, me being an emotional person it make sense to feel these things with the conditions of weather changing. That nostalgic melancholy that I'm prone to enter as it cuffs me to the ankle, wrist and knees. I hate it. Hate it hate it hate it. And I let it get to me every damn time. And it something that somehow spawned as an adolescent when I used to walk to school in foggy weather at a young age when no one was around during colder months. Tapped into feelings I never had at such a young age I look back and deem it being a bit silly lol. Of course, not many people at a young age have these types of feelings (or rather was comfortable at displaying such a thing). That "don't be a bitch and be a man" syndrome are of what we were supposed to be modeled for future generations. I'm just glad I'm a different breed of soft.

So... nostalgia.. we meet again huh? What a way to come back in the most appropriate and inappriate time for me hahaha. Having to reflect on what I've done all these months before the year ends. Having to reflect on the fact that I'm still trying to make amends with my issues mentally. Reflect that I'm lucky I can spend $45 on a "meh" meal. There hasn't been a day where I can relax some of these thoughts ever so creepin' in me brains. But it keeps me somewhat human I guess. And to be honest there's moments like now where I am typing this that the invitation may be a bit abrupt, but it almost gives me the "well regardless I'm glad you're here even though you didn't text me.."

This week has been challenging for me mentally. Physically has been surprisingly neutral, but my mind hasn't been focused as sharply as I would've liked it to be. My job has been a constant shit show of unnecessary events and I happen to be slowly just letting my vibe stay at the lobby before I can pack it up and drive home. Even coworkers have seen the transition of my aura start to fade and its bothering me. But what do you expect right? Businesses in such positions expects you to be flexible for someone else's gains. Not to say that the idea of customer support in an emergency sense should be swayed, but you may want to think about the workers that help deploy these initiatives every once-in-a-while.

*relief sigh* It felt good to write that actually. I hate to complain, but I wish I've gotten more respect towards what I do as a worker ya know? Not just pat me in the back and tell me "good job. Go work on this" sort of bullshit. Though those realities exist in many businesses I don't think I've gotten so much lame thank you's than this job. Quite the thing right? And to think the other day was my 9th anniversary working my position. "You should just quit" is a valid answer for my ever growing somber walks of parking next to a building I loathe, but you can't just simply quit when you have someone else who depends on you or certain things. It's also irresponsible to just drop everything and find another job.

My time will come I suppose. Making those money moves.... money moves....m o n e y m o v e s. . . . I could at least sound more enthusiastic about these matters, but as of right now I'm heading to that nihilistic brains. Everything sort of sucks on the job department right now. With everything else? It's been pretty good.

Recording music
Taking Pictures
Editing a bit
Clientele
Journaling


What's interesting is the fact that I've been proactive about a lot of this stuff as of late. More so than I think I ever had. That groove is certainly something that I've been riding for the good of the year. If I could keep this up then maybe I can get more things released for everyone to check out.

Alright I'm done here.... I'll be back shortly. This blogging thing is still making me feel stoked and I'm happy I'm giving more attention to it.

- (_ab)